Journal Entry 4.26.84


Well things are great. B told me “I love you” today with me asking. Also we were acting like boyfriend and girlfriend this morning then before 3rd he got upset and then he wrote that he loved me without me knowing. I love him so much. I never want to lose him. I dreamt last night that Alex got a girlfriend and she was better than me and Ben felt jealous of Alex and I wasn’t good enough. The other night I dreamt that Bill came up and held my hand and squeezed real hard and I began screaming because Ben was at the top of the hall and a couple of other guys were holding him back. Then Ben was asking me how come I lied to him that I said no one could take me away and Bill began to drag me down the hall and I was crying because I wanted to be with Ben and having him touch me and hold me but people were keeping us apart. It was awful. I never want anything or anybody come between us.


Also today Ben walked to school and last night I went to his house to help him clean up for his mother’s birthday. It was so neat them caring so much for her. I like her she’s nice. I went to youth group and were going to go to Marriots.


Ben went out to dinner with Bo (dick) and he told me to go do something with Steve and I. So I went down to Roger’s with Steve to call him out about Terry. Ben came over and acted mad. Then Bo played a joke on me. Ben and Steve are going to T.P. Roger’s house this weekend because Ben is spending the night over there. Maybe Sarita and I will sleep outside.


I was changing clothes in my room and I came out and Ben was sitting in the chair in the living room. He then proceeded to leave. I was wearing a dress and high shoes. He said I was boring and I wonder just what it is that he wants me to do. I don’t know if he is talking sex or what. I got mad at him because he can’t touch me without hurting me. I wish he would just touch and hold me.

He asked me how I wanted him to touch me and I said I couldn’t. He undid the tie on my dress and when he touched me, my heart was doing heart attacks. I told him this and he reached around from back and asked where and was moving his head about. Now if only he would do that and more. I told him that I love him and he doesn’t act like it.

He kept saying “I love you” and I told him saying wasn’t enough saying it, didn’t mean anything. He needs to feel it down inside and act like it. I liked it this morning when he was touching me. I love him so much. He keeps saying it today. I think I’m going to have to make the first move.

I just had another fantasy that Ben was undoing my dress and lifted it up and you can guess. Maybe there is something wrong with me and I am sex starved. I hope to sing for church again. Good, I like it. Got to do career report. Also, I love Ben!! Well got to go! P.S. Might spend the night at C’s.


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